It affects everyone and does not discriminate – cancer and my father

It is true, as the advertisements say, cancer affects everyone and even sex-specific cancers effect members of the opposite sex.

I have lost a father-in-law, the mother of a close friend who was a mentor to me in my teens, colleagues. On the plus side, two dear friends are leading full and happy lives after breast cancer. They, and their families have been through some very dark times.

But the cancer that has touched me the most, a woman, is prostate cancer. I will never forget the chill that ran through me the evening my father rang to tell me of his diagnosis. He tried to be cheerful and pointed out all the positives. Treatment went well and the family were optimistic. Time passed and Dad was back to leading a full life.

My stepmother died just after Christmas in the late 80s from a heart attack. My father was devastated. In February he received a wonderful report from his doctor of good health. My father sobbed and sobbed alone in his home. As he said to me later, “The one I wanted to share it with, wasn’t there.”

Our family became very concerned at Dad’s grief. None of us lived close by. One of my sisters-in-law said, “He’s going to talk himself into an early grave”.

My father was a devout practising Christian, still conducting services for the Uniting Church where he had been a full time minister. He continued with voluntary work and part time work with the church. Our family were grateful to the support individual families gave to him. He also visited his own three children more often and his four eldest grandchildren got to know him as a person and not just ‘Grandfather’.

In September his medical report was not good. Exploratory surgery was scheduled for early October. I took the 300 mile journey by bus and arrived at the hospital just as he was being prepped. “Here’s my lovely daughter!”, he said to the nurse. The doctor was very guarded and refused at that stage, and later, to be honest with Dad about his condition. The nursing staff were wonderful at every stage.

It became clear that Dad was going downhill rapidly and was not going to get better. For me, it became a time of becoming close to my father in away that I had not been previously able to do.

Until the morphine began to affect him we had many good talks as I travelled backwards and forwards to visit. I am grateful to friends who took over my children at the weekend and colleagues who cut me some slack. I rang him every night till one night he could no longer talk and the nurse hung up for him.

The morphine, while relieving his pain, did awful things to his mind. One time he became terrified of a bunch of balloons well wishes had sent.

My husband and I decided we would not let our family see their loved grandfather in his final weeks and I have never regretted that.

None of his children were with Dad when he died but a young man from the church was. We still keep in touch.

Dad had a splendid send off. He planned the funeral with one of my brothers. Every denomination was represented. He wanted a selection of jokes told and had them ready, but we vetoed that and he told the jokes with us before he died. One final memory is of his three children standing round his bed singing to him as he was semi-conscious.

Cancer is a cruel disease. Supporting those with the disease, their families and researching its many forms is vitally important.

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Have you lost someone to cancer? Share your favourite memories with us.