My Dad’s passing taught me the most valuable lesson

I guess death of a loved one is a very personal and individual experience. The grieving process might differ with each individual.

I am still coming to terms over my father’s death, not because he died, but my reaction. And it was 25 years ago.

My Dad grabbed life by the horns and lived it to its fullest. My Mum was more of a homebody. Dad enjoyed learning new things, travelling and joined in many group activities. He was an alcoholic, and once he became a teetotaller he embraced life with even more vitality. However, the alcohol had done damage and he only lived until his mid seventies.

He’d crammed so much into his years. He left school at 12 when his widowed mother died and his income was needed. He’d ridden in rodeos, become an upholsterer, worked on PMG, was in the light horse and infantry in WWII as well as reading widely and being involved in everything that was happening. I thought I took after him in always wanting to learn new things, but often didn’t follow through with plans.

I didn’t cry at his funeral, but felt relief that he no longer suffered. The feeling I had was quite odd. Even though I had three children, one in primary and the other two preschool, I wanted to do more to fill my life. It was as though I suddenly became aware of my own mortality and wanted to cram everything into life. Thus started the frantic search for life- fulfilling activities. My children didn’t suffer, but I’m sure the housework did. I completed my HSC by correspondence and studied when the younger ones had their daytime sleep or after they went to bed at night, then enrolled to do my Associate Diploma of Accounting.

Being dux the first year, at the presentation I kept thinking how proud my Dad would be. Many other short and evening courses followed, while working and involved myself in the children’s activities like there was no tomorrow. I never gave myself time to sit and veg out, or to smell the roses. Each year culminated with the feeling that I hadn’t achieved much.

I finished work five years ago and did my Advanced Diploma in Fine Arts. How I loved that and involved myself with gusto. It was what I’d always wanted to do. That finished a couple of years ago, and the voice in my head that kept me panicked about not living a full life became even louder. So now I have 2 days a week, where I’m not learning, teaching on a voluntary basis or volunteering, where I can relax and draw and paint. Still, the housework sometimes doesn’t get done, but will still be there when and if I get around to it. I’m now about to fill one of those 2 free days with another activity.

I have recently realised that even though the death of my father started the process, the reward is in the fact I enjoy my active life. I am now doing activities that I love doing rather than panicking about not filling my life.
The effect when my Mother died 15 years later was totally different to my reaction to Dad . What are others’ reactions to the death of a parent?

Have you lost a parent? How did you cope with the grieving process? What did you learn from the experience? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below…